Stupid Trek Tricks

Last Updated 1-5-98

Portions of this originally appeared in the March 3rd edition of The Spanker . Thanks, Spanky.

Ever surf the web and see a freak like this?

This guy just jumps right out at you and says "Hi... I'm a geek, and watch Star Trek, and STAR TREK IS MY LIFE!!!!"

He says "One of my main joys in life is my invovlement with STARFLEET, The International Star Trek Fan Association, Inc." You know, it's one thing to get joy out of something, but read on. This guy says "I currently hold the permanent rank of Fleet Admiral, and the position of Commander, STARFLEET (or in other words, I'm the President of our Association)."

Wow, kids -- he's the leader of the Trekkies! Admiral in charge of a bunch of geeks who run around playing "Star Trek Make-believe". What I find trully pathetic is that this guy is essentially a 30-year-old adult who runs around in his Trek-pajamas pretending to be a military officer of a fictional organization in the same way little kids play army with their toy guns and plastic helmets. This guy is old enough to be the father of many of you readers out there, and plays make-believe. Can you say "Arrested Development", kiddies? Can you say "Perpetual Juvenile"? I knew you could...

What does this "rank" of admiral mean? Does it mean that he "ranks" of bodily stench more than the other members of his geek-group? Does he get first choice of Trek Trinkets when the convention comes to town? Does it mean that he gets the keys to his Star Trek Clubhouse?

"I am also a Tactical Officer for USS Thagard, NCC-652, based in Philadelphia, PA."

What about this "Tactical Officer for USS Thagard" bullshit? Does that mean that he screws the lightbulbs in for his clubhouse? Does that mean that he drives the beat-up stationwagon overloaded with fanboys to the Star Trek convention? How did he get these ranks, anyway? Did he have to pass a trivia contest or have the strongest armpit odor? This whole Quasi-military attitude that some Star Trek fan clubs take on is responsible for the creation of a subgroup I like to call "Trek Nazis".

What about This Weenie: ?

He says "Deghmey'a'? Deghmey He'So' DIpoQbe'!", which loosely translated, means "I am a latex-headed Retard." (No offense to actual retards is meant)

Hey, kids -- What's ugly, has two bumpy foreheads, lives in Australia, and seriously needs to get a life? Why it's Heidi and her hideous geek-boy pal, of course! Yep, they put giant rubber foreskins on their heads, met each other in a hotel full of fellow retards, and look like they'd make a well... Interesting couple to say the least. I've known similar Trekkies to go off and have bizarre fanboy weddings, dressing up like Klingons, and saying "Ka-Plop" instead of "I do." Revolting, isn't it?

But can you imagine what some Trek geeks might do on such a wedding night, especially if they really get off on this Klingon bullshit? Do some of them have a collection of Klingon-dork-shaped condoms? Do some of them recite Klingon dialog to each other in bed? Do they stuff Tribbles into each other's orifices? Who knows. It just turns my stomach to see Trek geeks attempting to reproduce. I mean come on, we have enough pathetic geeks living in their own reality as it is; we don't need more of them!

What really scares me is thinking about the poor kids in a marriage like that. Can you imagine the humiliation of telling your friends that your daddy is a Klingon, and goes to science fiction conventions with mommy, where they speak strange languages and wear rubber foreskins on their heads, and pay exorbitant prices for crappy little toys and trinkets, which they won't let you play with? "Boy, Jimmy, your Mommy and Daddy are losers! I'd rather have the Simpsons for a family!" Oh, the shame of it all!

Wanna see how serious some people take trek?

Check out Starfleet Academy

"Starfleet is the 22+ year old fan organization whose members (4000+) are united the world over in their appreciation of Star Trek: The Greatest Human Adventure."

The Greatest Human adventure? Yeah, right! I can think of nothing more adventurous than sitting my fat ass in front of the boob-tube, watching science fiction that is tailored for tree-hugging, commie-oriented, naiive juveniles. What's worse is that most of these people, if given a choice, would rather watch their TV than participate in the greatest human adventure that I know of: Making hot monkey-love.

"Are you made of The Right Stuff?"

Translation: Do you live in your parent's basement, avoid using deodorant, spend large amounts of money on toys and comic books, and have an obesity problem?

"Note: The Academy is open to 'fleet members in good standing only'."

Translation:If you have a life, then you can't get in. Oh, darn! Wait...maybe if you break up with your girlfriend, quit your job, gain weight, and buy lots of Star Trek toys, they'll let you in... On second thought, NAAAAAAAH!

If you are squeamish, and would barf at the sight of a hoard of hideous mutant freaks, then please do not click here, Whatever you do!!!

These...uh...I think they're people... are the members of a Star Trek group called "The U.S.S. Morning Star", who try to save the world by doing "Recycling, food & clothing drives for the needy, hosting garage sales for charity, and participation in STARFLEET, Int'l charites by clipping coupons or postage stamps..."

Lemme see if I got that right -- did they say that they recycle food? Hmmm. Think about it. Imagine a breakfast cereal called "Poopy-Puffs" or "Pukey Puffs", and you'll see what comes to mind. I gotta get back to my Chinese fast-food. I'm having rice with "Twice-eaten pork". HEY! Wait a minute! Oh never mind, let's get back to the geeks...

Yep, these geeks are real Martha Stewart wanna-be's. Saving the planet by doing things that are just... so darn nice and politically correct. They're real scouts, aren't they? Well, they'd like to be scouts, but the scouting organizations won't let them join because they're too old, too geeky, and their appearance might scare the crap out of the younger scouts.

They go on to say "The Morning Star crew is very active in helping bring about the kind of world seen in the Star Trek universe."

What a revolting thought. Would you like to live in a world populated by altruistic little goodie-two-shoes who prance around the universe showing everyone what superior beings earthling geeks all are. I dunno, but the Federation of the Star Trek Universe reminds me too much of missionaries or Communist Expansionists.

"We like to refer to our activity as "serving starship Earth." After all, this rock we live on is like a ship, flying through space, and we can't ask for transfer to another one!"

No, but I'm sure that when it is possible, there will be enough people willing to send you to another rock. Until that time, however, we'll have to send the rocks to them. I personally prefer the over-handed style of delivery... Boffo!

Remember back in the '70s, when Saturday morning cartoons were at their suckiest? Well, this page is devoted to one of the suckiest cartoons on Saturday morning television. Yeah -- it had the voices of Leonard Nimoy, Deforest Kelly, and William Shatner -- which is about the best acting Will's done in his life! The only thing I can say for this is... why? This guy devoted several megabytes of good hard drive space to a cartoon show that was badly animated, had boring stories, and the same silly stock music from Scooby-Doo. Consider that this goof did this all for himself, without getting paid for it, and you can see what a loser he must be.

Now, to find out how desperate some Star Trek cast members were to get more money from their Trek fame, see this site. The sound clips are priceless.

Did I hear someone say, Star Trek convention?" Here's an actual organization that I've seen with a booth at a Scifi convention once: The Klingon Language Institute. The fact that these freaks wear costumes and splatter putty on their heads doesn't make them losers. It's the fact that they've devoted possibly hundreds of hours, and failed a few English exams to learn a completely fictional language. It's really easy to hose on these people at conventions, because most of them are totally oblivious to the fact that you are hosing on them. There's this one guy I know from the Boston area. His main talent in life is singing Kum-bay-a in Klingon. If you think these guys are losers enough for learning the Klingon language, look at what some of them are working on. Star Trek seems to offer a lot of disgusting geeks some stupid ways of wasting time.

Addendum: Almost immediately after this page went on the web, I got a FLOOD of HATE MAIL from angry trek-nazis from all over the country. It's really amazing that out of all of the nasty comments on my website about gun-nuts, nazis, skinheads, religious nuts, and conservatives, that the alleged "peace-loving", "educated", and "tolerant" community of Trek-geeks spawn the greatest number of flame mail. You'd think that "enlightened, educated" people would have better things to do than defend a silly fantasy TV show with flaming rage -- like Jesse Helms fighting against homosexuals. People who need to flame someone over a silly TV show seriously need to get a life.

You Might also want to check out my first Anti-Trek rant, which also draws regular hate mail...

Here are some other people who have similar feelings on Star Trek:
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